DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT

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Alas, it is long overdue and a major miracle time to say goodbye: Michele Bachman is leaving Congress.

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Cue the Hallelujah Chorus!

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She didn’t leave me disappointed, however, as her farewell pile of gibberish speech has already become a classic of utter idiocy and bone-headed wrongness.

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“And here in the United States, the Ten Commandments that God gave to Moses is the very foundation of the law that has given happiness and the rise of the greatest prosperity that any nation has known before,” she said.

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“I also want to say thank you to the God who saved me. I am so grateful to the Holy God who created us, the creator God, the God that Jefferson pointed to in the Declaration of Independence. It is because of him, because he created me in his image and likeness as he has each one of us, that I even had the possibility coming here to be able to serve.”

Then she read out the second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence. Not that she has a clue what it really means, because she then said, “What that means to me is this: no government gave me rights, that only God can give. And no government can take away the rights that only God can give. The only reason that we have a government and the only reason it was instituted among men is to secure for me and to you, the rights that God gave us. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Beyond that, we rule by the consent of the governed. This is a pretty simple gig to figure out here.”

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Not if you’re Michele!

And then she left with this whopper: “My Favorite Americans are those who didn’t know they were Americans: they were the Pilgrims. They came here even before our nation was founded.”

bachmann-frackingland Yeah, and killed most of the natives who were here already!

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Have a nice life at home with hubby, dear Michele. Make sure you check his Snapchat once in a while to check up on all the hot boys he’s following.

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Just sayin’.

 

 

PLAYTIME WITH MICHELE

Michele Bachmann has crossed so many lines that you have to wonder how many more she will cross before she implodes completely….and yet, here she is, setting the bar even lower for an elected official of the United States of America.

Bad enough when she recently claimed that the gay community wants to “abolish age of consent laws, which means we will do away with statutory rape laws so that adults will be able to freely prey on little children sexually. That’s the deviance that we’re seeing embraced in our culture today.”

But she was truly epic in heinousness when she said, “People from Yemen, Iran, Iraq and other terrorist nations are making their way up through America’s southern border because they see that it’s a green light, they can easily get in,” Bachmann warned. “Not only people with potentially terrorist activities, but also very dangerous weapons are going to cross our border in addition to very dangerous drugs, and also life-threatening diseases, potentially including Ebola and other diseases like that.”

“What he is doing by opening up this southern border, frankly, he is establishing a permanent political class that will vote for a big government mentality that will continually offer welfare decency programs,” she went on, speaking of our president. In her warped cranium, Obama is “willing to allow a pandemic of disease to come into our country.”

And here’s the kicker: “If you have a hospital and they are going to get millions of dollars in government grants if they can conduct medical research on somebody, and a ward of the state can’t say ‘no’––a little kid can’t say ‘no’ if they’re a ward of the state––so here you could have this institution getting millions of dollars from our government to do medical experimentation and a kid can’t even say ‘no.’ It’s sick.”

Got that? Not only are children menacing Michele’s world, but they’re going to be used in medical experiments by some secret cabal of doctors hell-bent on turning them gay.

And she is seriously considering running for president again.

Going to go bang my head against the wall now.

 

QUACKERS AND BRATS ON PARADE

There are real heroes, like Royal Navy vet Bernie, he of the Great Escape I wrote about earlier in the week.

And then there aren’t.

I never thought I would agree with anything the hypocritical homophobe duck-caller Phil Robertson would have to utter, but when he said, “I guess the GOP may be more desperate than I thought to call somebody like me,” at the annual Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans recently, truer words were never spoken.

“Separation of church and state? I’m telling you right here what the founding fathers said,” he went on. “Does it sound to you like separating God almighty from the United States of America?”

Um…the founding fathers said “separation of church and state.” That means you take God out of state. Got that, Phil?

Guess not.

“You can’t be right for America if you’re wrong with God,” he added.

And which God is that, Phil? The hateful homophobic God who has seen fit in all his blindness mercy to bestow untold riches upon you for killing ducks?

Or the God of all people, who welcomes them with love no matter what they believe or who they want to marry?

Which brings me to the newest Brat who might end up in Congress—the ultra-right-wing, separation-of-church-and-state-is-a-crock, Ayn Randian Dave Brat, who shocked pundits everywhere with his upset victory in the Virgina primary, defeating House Minority leader Eric Cantor.

Eric was no prince. He wanted to shut the government down. He’s a billionaire-appeasing fascist at heart. And Dave makes him look like a liberal.

Careful what you ask for, Tea Party!

Dave did not help his cause when he went on MSNBC’s The Daily Rundown and—shock!!!—was asked a few questions that needed fact-based answers.

Chuck Todd asked him about the minimum wage, and the Brat could only sputter, “I don’t have a well-crafted response on that one. All I know is if you take the long run graph over two hundred years of wage rate, it cannot differ from your nation’s productivity, right? So you can’t make up wage rates. I would love for everyone in sub-Saharan Africa, for example, children of god, to make $100 an hour. I would love to just assert that that would be the case. But you can’t assert that unless you raise the productivity.”

Sorry, pal. You’re chair of the Economics Department at Randolph-Macon College. You’d think he’d have a freaking answer ready about such an important economic question.

Nor could he talk about foreign policy.

That’s because this God-fearing homophobic racist piece of slime man was too busy running on one policy only—anti-immigration—that he didn’t bother to prep himself on anything else.

Maybe he should call that great brain, Michele Bachmann, for advice.

 

BABY’S GOT BULLIES

Having gone through over a week of hell with a really bad virus or flu that the flu shot didn’t cover or some heinous something, I am still tired and cranky. Luckily for me, my trusty source of hilarity to deal with the crankies—aka Michele Bachmann—did not disappoint.

While doing an interview with radio host Lars Larson during CPAC (yeah, I know I’m a little behind), Minnesota’s favorite loon was lamenting how Arizona governor Jan Brewer let down the faithful when she vetoed the hate-the-gays bill.

“There’s nothing about gays in there. But the gay community decided to make this their measure,” Bachmann said. “I think the thing that is getting a little tiresome, the gay community, they have so bullied the American people, and they’ve so intimidated politicians. The politicians fear them, so that they think they get to dictate the agenda everywhere.”

Got that? Maybe she should tell that to Matthew Shepherd’s parents.

“I was sorry that she made the decision, and it’s because I believe that tolerance is a two-way street and we need to respect everyone’s rights, including the rights of people who have sincerely held religious beliefs,” this pathological liar went on. “Right now, there’s a terrible intolerance afoot in the United States, and it’s against people who hold sincerely held religious beliefs.”

Um, whose rights are you respecting here, sweetie-pie? The rights of the oppressed or the rights of the Christian majority to undermine the Consitution?

Please, don’t answer.

That would involve critical thinking skills.

 

DOWNSIZE BILL

Not long ago our favorite Minnesota loon, Michele Bachmann, told the world that—despite having run for president—Americans aren’t “ready” for a female in charge at the White House.

Um…maybe they weren’t ready to have a Minnesota loon in the White House, but let’s not go there, shall we?

Still, Bill O’Reilly found that statement too juicy to ignore, so he had Kirsten Powers and Kate Obenshain on his show, and asked them, “There’s got to be some downside to having a woman president, right?”

Their silence was deafening.

When they did get over their shock, and called Bill out on his misogynistic flippancy, I just wish they had asked Bill to pose this unbelievably stupid question to Germany’s Angela Merkel.

Or Argentina’s Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner.

Or Costa Rica’s Laura Chinchilla.

Or Brazil’s Dilma Rousseff.

Or Malawi’s Joyce Banda.

Or South Korea’s Park Geun-hye.

DOUBLE DOWN WHEN PIGS FLY

Speaking of bruising, there’s a new book by journalists Mark Halperin and John Heilemann out this week. Called Double Down, it’s a dishy look at the 2012 election. And two tasty snippets show what two of the candidates were really like.

In snippet #1, Moneybags Mitt mocked NJ governor Chris Christie’s considerable size, and referred to him by his code name, “Pufferfish”:

“Romney marveled at Christie’s girth, his difficulties in making his way down the narrow aisle of the campaign bus. Watching a video of Christie without his suit jacket on, Romney cackled to his aides, ‘Guys! Look at that!'”

In snippet #2, Michele Bachmann wailed at her declining fortunes:

“’God,’ she cried. ‘I’m a loser!’”

Truer words were never spoken.

I’ve always said that I’d agree with something out that woman’s mouth when pigs fly. Off they go!

BRAIN FREEZE

So Michele Bachmann can’t remember where common sense and half a brain are located (because she never had any), and now ex-football star and TV sports commentator Frank Gifford can’t recall if he cheated on his first wife with the then-wife of TV legend Johnny Carson.

‘”I can’t remember, maybe?”‘ said Frank.

Righhhhht.

This is in the news thanks to the publication of long-time Carson pal, Henry Bushkin’s memoir, Johnny Carson. And because Gifford’s wife, Kathie Lee, shows her mug on TV every weekday on The Today Show.

Somehow, I think even an antiquated Lurcher like Frank Gifford would be able to recall whether or not he had a secret love nest, back in the day.

Nothing like a little bit of Old Hollywood gossip to distract us from the realities of New Washington.

 

SOMEONE NEEDS A SPANKING

After yet another day filled with gibberish, I’ve decided that Michele Bachmann isn’t as dumb as I thought.

She’s just speaking in code.

When discussing immigration reform—which, of course, she firmly opposes—Michele claimed that President Obama “has a perpetual magic wand, and nobody’s giving him a spanking yet and taking it out of his hand. That’s what Congress needs to do: give the president a major wake-up call.”

What she really means is:

“Perpetual magic wand” is what her homophobic stud muffin hubby, Marcus, wields at home.

“Spanking” is what he wishes all the gay boys would give him.

See? It all makes sense now.

She wasn’t criticizing Obama or immigration reform.

She was telling Marcus to light the candles and turn down the sheets because she’s in the mood for some action.

Michele, you vixen, you!

To see her in all her glory: http://www.mediaite.com/tv/michele-bachmann-wants-to-spank-the-president-and-steal-his-magic-wand/

ps – Am away for a few days and hope to post – if not, the Decrepitude will return on Sunday. Stay cool out there.

STILL NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD

In case you were wondering what it’s really like outside the white bubble of privilege in our “post-racial” world, take a look at the venality of the tweets posted here: http://publicshaming.tumblr.com/.

Bear in mind that tweets are public. Maybe the cretins who wrote this filth are hiding behind fake names.

Or maybe not. Maybe they’re just racist pigs who are so shameless they really and truly don’t care who reads them because everyone in their orbit is equally racist and shameless.

My idea of a perfect hell would be George Zimmerman, Rush Limbaugh, Ted Cruz, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Pat Robertson, Paula Deen, Bubba Deen, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Ann Coulter locked in an inescapable room forevermore, with nothing to read but these tweets.

And their own racist bluster for company.

No exit, bien sur.  

SUPREME SHAME, PART II

Well, I never thought they’d do it. The Supreme Court that I blasted yesterday for two horribly unjust verdicts has actually done the right thing, ruling that the discriminatory Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Not only that, but California will now be able to join 12 other states and Washington, DC in recognizing the fundamental rights of all families. Goodbye DOMA. Goodbye Proposition 8. Goodbye homophotic haters.

Justice Kennedy, you have partially redeemed yourself.

Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Thomas, Scalia, and Alito, you are still heinous homophobes and you still make me sick. Especially Scalia, with his comments about “sodomy.” Get a grip, Tony!

But it is a happy day for all the LGBT families in this country.

And a very unhappy one for Fox News.

As well as for Michele Bachmann, who said, “Marriage was created by the hand of God. No man, not even a Supreme Court, can undo what a holy God has instituted. For thousands of years of recorded human history, no society has defended the legal standard of marriage as anything other than between man and woman. Only since 2000 have we seen a redefinition of this foundational unit of society in various nations. Today, the U.S. Supreme Court decided to join the trend, despite the clear will of the people’s representatives through DOMA. What the Court has done will undermine the best interest of children and the best interests of the United States.”

When asked comment about Michele’s homophobia, Nancy Pelosi gave a brilliant answer:

“Who cares?”