EBOLA OF THE BRAIN

Now that Ebola is in Texas, it’s time to look at a different kind of virus. You know, the kind that replicates in the brains of certain Republicans, pushing aside all the sentient, thinking nerve cells and replacing them with offense-spewing mush.

Case in point: Newly inaugurated Texas State Senator Charles Perry. Right after the horrible moment when this moron was sworn in, he had this to say:  “There were 10,000 people that were paraded into a medical office under the guise of a physical. As they stood with their back against the wall, they were executed with a bullet through the throat. Before they left, 10,000 people met their fate that way,” he blathered, making reference the murder of innocent Jews during the Holocaust. “Is it not the same than when our government continues to perpetuate laws that lead citizens away from God? The only difference is that the fraud of the Germans was more immediate and whereas the fraud of today’s government will not be exposed until the final days and will have eternal-lasting effects.”

In Charles’ addled state, he forgot the Golden Rule of politics. Never bring up the Holocaust in comparison to any of your own lame ideas.

And the Golden Rule of our Constitution aka the separation of church and state.

“Where is that giant of a nation that was founded on the eternal and never-changing values of a loving God and the desire to share that?” he went on. “I don’t recognize it on so many levels today.”

Maybe because you’re looking for it in Tricky Ricky’s office, pal.

Wrong place to look.

 

SKIRTING THE ISSUE

When it comes to ridiculous legislation, Texas never fails to disappoint.

Got that? The pervs who get off on sticking a camera up a woman’s legs can do so with impunity in Perryland.

That’s because a stupidly written legal challenge to this kind of behavior was too broad—stating that if you’re in a public place, you have no expectation of privacy, and anyone can snap a photo without your permission. The Criminal Appeals Court in Texas had to vote on whether or not public photography was an expression of First Amendment rights.

That sort of makes sense, as appalling as it is, but the challenge should have been brought to make up-skirt snapping a crime. Because it’s done solely for sexual gratification, and is an invasion of a woman’s personal space, and it’s deeply disgusting and wrong.

Don’t you think any woman should be able to walk around in public without some creep determined to abuse her for his own photographic kicks?

At least the local hangout for up-skirting cretins—the escalators at the Union Square subway stop—is constantly manned by cops on the look-out.

Not the look-up.

THE DRUNK MADE ME DO IT

Who would have thought—I sure as sunshine didn’t—that a drunk driver might be the reason Tricky Ricky Perry might finally get what he so richly deserves.

A nice long jail sentence.

What happened was that Austin prosecutor Rosemary Lehmberg, who’s also the DA in Travis County, Texas and oversees the powerful public corruption unit for the state, was really dumb and got behind the wheel when she was way over the limit. No excuse for that, and she served time in jail for her huge error in judgment. Tricky Ricky, no doubt rubbing his hands in glee at such a prominent Democrat messing up so badly and shutting down the watchdogs who investigating Tricky Ricky’s fat cat friends, threatened to veto $7.5 million of state funding for the corruption unit unless Rosemary quit. She didn’t, and he did. His side says he was well within his rights as governor. Grand jurors didn’t agree—maybe because they live in Texas, where practically everybody gets bombed and then gets in a car (ya kinda have to if you live in that Bible-thumping Neverland of filth). Or maybe because he threatened to use his veto before he actually did so, trying to get Rosemary to take a hike. That’s the coercion issue. So the grand jury charged Tricky Ricky with two felony counts—of abusing his official capacity and coercing a public servant. He’s going to be arraigned, booked, and get a mug shot taken like every other indicted crook  person.

Wonder if the glasses will stay on in the shot.

I’d say his White House shot is just about shot, too.

THE SAD TALE OF LITTLE RICKY AND HIS BIG BOAT

Once upon a time, there was a horrible creature named Little Ricky. Now, Little Ricky had a chance to help all the other boys and girls who came to him in time of need. But no, Little Ricky didn’t like to share. He didn’t like to help other people make good rules and good laws or take care of the suffering and starving and scared children who come from far away and have skin a different color from the orange glow of Little Ricky.

So Little Ricky went out on a boat with his friend Tiny Sean, and some very big guns, looking to scare the poor boys and girls who needed help.

The Good Fairy tried to wave her magic wand and make Little Ricky rot in hell stop, but his evil magic is way too powerful.

The Good Fairy needs help.

There are lots of other Little Rickys out there, hateful and hurtful and harming the poor children.

She can’t fight them all.

DESCENT OF MAN

I’m not being lazy today, even though I am in deadline hell, because you have to read this in its entirety to believe it: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/06/18/1307986/-Arizona-school-chief-busted-for-posting-appalling-comments-online?detail=email1.

Seems that John Huppenthal, who is the Arizona Superintendent of Public Instruction—in other words, the man in charge of overseeing the education of children in that state—has a fun way to blow off steam. Using pseudonyms like Thucydides or Falcon9, he went online to rail about topics like evolution, the Jews, Planned Parenthood, and climate change. You know, the typical Tea Party fan faves.

Read some of the grotesquery. The man is as hateful, ignorant, racist, misogynist, and stupid as they come.

And he’s responsible for the schoolchildren of Arizona.

Mercifully, he’s been outed for the soul-sucking scum bucket that he is. Hopefully, we won’t get reelected.

If he doesn’t, I’ll bet Rick Perry has just the job for him, too.

 

THE HOMOPHOBIA TRIFECTA

Too bad there was no Triple Crown winner this year, but I have my own Triple Crown: The Homophobia Trifecta!

Lining up at the starting gate: Rick Perry, John MacArthur, and the dark horse, Scott Esk, a Tea Party Republican from Oklahoma, running for the state’s House of Representatives.

On his Facebook feed last year, he posted that it’s open season on homosexuals. “I think we would be totally in the right to do it,” said he. “That goes against some parts of libertarianism, I realize, and I’m largely libertarian, but ignoring as a nation things that are worthy of death is very remiss.”

When pressed by a journalist to clarify his comments, Scott couldn’t help himself from saying, “That was done in the Old Testament under a law that came directly from God and in that time there it was totally just. It came directly from God. I have no plans to reinstitute that in Oklahoma law. I do have some very huge moral misgivings about those kinds of sins.”

At the same time, Esk believes that abortionists should be punished severely because they committed, you know, murder.

So in Eskotopia, it’s okay to murder gay people, but not have abortions or do abortions.

He also thinks that the EPA, FDA, and OSHA are un-Constitutional, but he looks “forward to applying Biblical principles to Oklahoma law.”

I’d point out that the separation between church and state is sorta, rather, well, Constitutional, but why bother. Horses are smarter than this guy.

And they’re off!

RICKY NEEDS A DRINK

After speaking in San Francisco earlier this week, Texas governor Rick Perry opened his craw and flippy-dang-a-doodie came flying out. When asked by Commonwealth Club interviewer Greg Dalton about the thoroughly discredited practice of gay reparative therapy the homophobic Texas Republican Party wants to include as part of their platform, Tricky Ricky didn’t hesitate with his response.

“Whether or not you feel compelled to follow a particular lifestyle or not, you have the ability to decide not to do that,” he said. “I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.”

In the vast empty space between his ears the brain of Tricky Ricky, this means being gay is a choice. When anyone with less empty space in their noggin knows this to be utterly false.

But since Tricky Ricky obviously is desperate to get hammered, I suggest that we all flip what he said and believe the exact opposite.

Ride that bull, baby!

LOOKADOO, LOOKADON’T

Justin Lookadoo is a Christian motivational speaker, author, and dating coach. That’s how he sells himself on his website. He seems to make a healthy living from his speeches and workshops, and from his faith-based dating-advice books: Dateable: Are You? Are TheyThe Dateable Rules, and Chat Room Chatter: The Buzz on Prom Dates, Superheroes, and the Universe at Large.

Perhaps his expertise in these matters is what enticed that powers that be at Richardson High School outside of Dallas to give a lecture to the students. Perhaps someone on the PTA was a fan of his writing.

Or perhaps whoever hired him is living back in the Stone Age, because that’s about how evolved Justin’s philosophy is. In his world, girls are girly-girl Pebbles who should never dare to voice an dopinion or wear shorts, and boys are whack-‘em-on-the-head Bam-Bams who are warrior kings and conquerors.

Check out these Girl Rules:

Accept your girly-ness. You’re a girl. Be proud of all that means. You are soft, you are gentle, you are a woman. Don’t try to be a guy. Guys like you because you are different from them. So let your girly-ness soar.

Be mysterious. Dateable girls know how to shut up. They don’t monopolize the conversation. They don’t tell everyone everything about themselves. They save some for later. They listen more than they gab.

Need him. Dateable girls know that guys need to be needed. A Dateable girl isn’t Miss Independent. She knows we are made for community. Needing each other is part of faith. She allows him to be needed at times, knowing he was called to serve just as much as she was.

Now check out these Boy Rules:

Being a guy is good. Dateable guys know they aren’t as sensitive as girls and that’s okay. They know they are stronger, more dangerous, and more adventurous and that’s okay. Dateable guys are real men who aren’t afraid to be guys.

Men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.

Keep it covered up. Dateable guys know that porn is bad for the spirit and the mind. They keep women covered up.

Even though some savvy parents sounded the alarm to school administrators, their fears were brushed off. And these savvy parents have a lot of even savvier students, who were shocked and appalled by the idiotic message of the Cave Troll in the auditorium. They created a Twitter hashtag, #Lookadouche, and made their feelings clear. These are two of the best tweets:

What are we mad about?! I love being called a vindictive, evil, creature! Someone boss me around because I have ovaries! #lookadouche

At this rate, our speaker on Friday will be Ritchie Incognito #Lookadouche

When the furor went viral, the same twinkies who’d hired the Cave Troll apologized, sort of: “RHS and RISD approve of the broad messages shared with students related to self-empowerment and dating violence, but do not support some of the terminology used by the speaker to generalize student behaviors.”

If so, why’d you hire the Cave Troll in the first place?

I often fear for Texas. Governor Perry is a misogynistic, science-denying, homophobic, beer-guzzling racist. What he has done to textbooks in his state is a crime against humanity. So I am super gratified to see that some students, at least, have more brains and more compassion than their governor.

Hope they run for election, soon.

NO MORE WIRE COAT HANGERS

Speaking of spankings, another right-wing monster crawled out of his shell to mock women who died because abortions used to be illegal.

After the soldiers in Rick Perry’s war on women in the Texas Senate voted in a bill that could force a shutdown of nearly all of Texas’s abortion service providers, the pundit Erick Erickson typed out a tweet. In it was a link to a wire coat hanger supplier, adding “Go bookmark this site now.”

Cowardly piglet Erickson deleted the tweet, but feel free to view it in its glory here.

This is the heartless pundit, remember, who told Megyn Kelly (a fellow nut-job, even!) that female breadwinners are “anti-science” and “bad for kids and bad for marriage.”

What’s “anti-science” are views like the misogynist piglets’ about a women’s reproductive system and when and how a fetus develops.

What’s “bad for kids and bad for marriage” are Medieval views like his about a woman’s worth, and what’s good or bad for marriages and children.

But it’s really good for ratings.