The Unicorn Lives

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Coffee used to cost fifty cents and come in blue-and-white cups from the corner deli. It tasted like crap but it got you moving.

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Now coffee costs ten times as much and comes in whatever color cups Starbucks has made to annoy so-called Christians who are fighting the (non)war on Xmas all year long.

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Enter the unicorn.

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No, not that one. This one. I guess Starbucks is looking to up the profits this quarter, as they introduced the most vile drink ever concocted–and are selling it only (and mercifully) for a very limited time. Smart marketing, for sure. The Unicorn Frappuccino has gone viral. The pink and blue sludge that changes from sweet to sour is a must-buy.

Until you taste it.

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My son got one on the way home from school yesterday. He asked me to taste it. I refused. He begged. I caved. I sipped. I gagged. Honestly, there are no words to describe the chemical awfulness of this liquid.

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I’d rather drink swamp water after all of Trump’s sycophantic suck-ups in the White House have waded through it. You have been warned.

LOTSA LATTE

Ever wonder why it’s so hard to lose weight? I’ve just finished a rewrite of a diet book, so I’ve got metabolism on the brain, and was heartened to see that the federal requirement that large American food chains prominently disclose nutrition information is spreading to more than just fast-food joints.

Especially because many people forget to count in the calories of the beverages they drink.

Starbucks is now posting the calorie count for all their calorie bombs. They already do it for food, but now all the luscious-looking Frappucinos and lattes and specialty drinks will be exposed as the numbingly fat-and-sugar laden craptastic drinks that they are. No one ever needs to drink 400-500 calories in a few gulps like that, even with skim milk, hold the whipped cream. And you can bet that these numbers are going to be underreported too.

So…stick to plain old coffee with a little milk.

It’s much cheaper.

And gives you a better buzz. 

JAMOKA JONES

Although I seriously doubt that any Lurchers will still be around to deal with this first-hand, it is highly alarming to read that the coffee plant is in danger of eradication. Researchers at the Royal Botanic Gardens in Kew and the Environment and Coffee Forest Forum in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia studied the effects of climate change on the sensitive Arabica plants, and their findings were alarming. Deforestation, rising temperatures, extreme weather, and pesticide-resistant pests put the coffee crops at risk for lower yields (best-case scenario), if not extinction (worst-case scenario).

Maybe the thought of no coffee in your cup will finally make a dent in the general population as well as with policy makers, in the same way that Hurricane Sandy did, who need to get serious about alternative energy sources and the fragile state of our planet.

Think about this next time you’re in Starbucks.