The Unicorn Lives

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Coffee used to cost fifty cents and come in blue-and-white cups from the corner deli. It tasted like crap but it got you moving.

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Now coffee costs ten times as much and comes in whatever color cups Starbucks has made to annoy so-called Christians who are fighting the (non)war on Xmas all year long.

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Enter the unicorn.

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No, not that one. This one. I guess Starbucks is looking to up the profits this quarter, as they introduced the most vile drink ever concocted–and are selling it only (and mercifully) for a very limited time. Smart marketing, for sure. The Unicorn Frappuccino has gone viral. The pink and blue sludge that changes from sweet to sour is a must-buy.

Until you taste it.

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My son got one on the way home from school yesterday. He asked me to taste it. I refused. He begged. I caved. I sipped. I gagged. Honestly, there are no words to describe the chemical awfulness of this liquid.

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I’d rather drink swamp water after all of Trump’s sycophantic suck-ups in the White House have waded through it. You have been warned.

DROP A FEW

When was the last time you asked a psychiatrist for advice about nutrition? When was the last time you asked Dr. Keith Ablow, the resident head shrinker at Fox News, for advice about anything?

Keith opened his yap and really stuck his foot in when he was on former MTV VJ Kennedy’s show, Outnumbered, the other day, and they started discussing Michelle Obama’s health campaigns.

Astonishingly, Keith let rip with this: “And how well could she be eating? She needs to drop a few. I mean I’m telling you, let’s be honest. Who are we taking nutrition advice from? Let’s be honest, there are no french fries happening? That’s all kale and carrots? I don’t buy it.”

First of all, Keith, have you looked down at your belly lately?

Secondly, don’t you care about what our nation’s children are eating, or do you want them to grow up and look like you?

Thirdly, if you want to criticize the First Lady, you can say whatever, but insulting her weight is off the table. It’s sexist, it’s rude, and it’s just wrong. Of all the First Ladies who’ve ever lived in the White House, Michelle is the only one—the only one!—who is in prime physical shape, healthy, shapely, buff, and strong. Her arms are killer. She works out religiously, and it shows.

So for some armchair tub of lard to comment on her weight is about as hypocritical as it gets.

 

DOWNSIZE BILL

Not long ago our favorite Minnesota loon, Michele Bachmann, told the world that—despite having run for president—Americans aren’t “ready” for a female in charge at the White House.

Um…maybe they weren’t ready to have a Minnesota loon in the White House, but let’s not go there, shall we?

Still, Bill O’Reilly found that statement too juicy to ignore, so he had Kirsten Powers and Kate Obenshain on his show, and asked them, “There’s got to be some downside to having a woman president, right?”

Their silence was deafening.

When they did get over their shock, and called Bill out on his misogynistic flippancy, I just wish they had asked Bill to pose this unbelievably stupid question to Germany’s Angela Merkel.

Or Argentina’s Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner.

Or Costa Rica’s Laura Chinchilla.

Or Brazil’s Dilma Rousseff.

Or Malawi’s Joyce Banda.

Or South Korea’s Park Geun-hye.

SHOPPING STAR SCIENTIFIC

Former Virginia governor Robert F. McDonnell and his wife, Maureen, are in big trouble. They were formally charged with getting a little too greedy with the luxury items, “given” to them by a friend, Jonnie R. Williams Sr., who ran a nutritional supplement company called Star Scientific. The McDonnells got the goodies and Jonnie got the access and plugs from the gov.

The indictment has 14 counts on 43 pages. What’s most interesting to me is not just what Bobby did—he was overextended financially due to buying some vacation properties and getting into mortgage trouble–but what his label-loving shrew wife was up to.  The indictment reads: “MAUREEN MCDONNELL asked for assistance in finding a designer dress for her husband’s upcoming inauguration as Governor, and JW [Jonnie Williams] agreed to help. MAUREEN MCDONNELL subsequently informed JE, one of ROBERT MCDONNELL’S senior staff members, that JW had agreed to purchase a designer dress by Oscar de la Renta for MAUREEN MCDONNELL for the inauguration. JE expressed concerns regarding the prospect ofJW purchasing MAUREEN MCDONNELL’S inaugural dress and ultimately informed her that JW’s purchase of a designer dress for the inauguration would be inappropriate and should not be done. As a result, MAUREEN MCDONNELL became upset with JE.

“’1need to talk to you about Inaugural clothing budget. 1need answers and Bob is screaming about the thousands I’m charging up in credit card debt. We are broke, have an unconscionable amount in credit card debt already, and this Inaugural is killing us!! I need answers and I need help, and I need to get this done.’”

So what did she do? Sell the money-pit vacation homes to get rid of that financial burden and pay off the credit card debt? Noooooo. She came to NYC and spent $11,000 at Oscar de la Renta, $5,685 at Louis Vuitton, and $2,604 at Bergdorf Goodman.

Now that’s what I call shopping!

McDonnell is, not surprisingly, a bit steamed. “I come before you this evening as someone who has been falsely and wrongfully accused and whose public service has been wrongfully attacked,” he said on TV. “I repeat again, emphatically, that I did nothing illegal for Mr. Williams.”

Guess Bobby can kiss the White House goodbye.

Which, according to this piece–http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2014/01/bob_mcdonnell_scandal_what_we_can_learn_from_the_alleged_ethical_lapses.html—is too bad for his fans, because he was a decent governor. He believed in a conservative fiscal policy, and he stuck to it. Too bad he couldn’t practice what he preached.

And Maureen will be shoe-shopping at Payless from now on.

For more, read http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/virginia-politics/former-va-gov-mcdonnell-and-wife-charged-in-gifts-case/2014/01/21/1ed704d2-82cb-11e3-9dd4-e7278db80d86_story.html and this charming insight into the family’s behavior at http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/virginia-politics/chef-speaks-out-about-vas-mcdonnells/2013/12/20/d9e09134-6995-11e3-8b5b-a77187b716a3_story.html

A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES

 

If you want to make a point about loving our country, perhaps it might be a good idea to leave the Confederacy in the pages of the history books.

In other words, if you’re scheming low-down lying hypocritical Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz, strutting your stuff at protests at the World War II memorial about a closed government—never mind that the Cruzilian Cowards are the morons who closed the government in the first place—you might want to rethink aligning yourself with the racists waving a Confederate flag outside the White House.

Where a black family lives.

I honestly believe that the likes of Palin and Cruz don’t care at all about the significance of flying this flag.

Even though it’s a grotesque insult to every slave in this country, and every soldier who died because of slavery.

But that’s sham patriotism for ya!

 

 

 

SLAP HER DOWN

The Hillary Project is a PAC determined to keep Hillary Clinton out of the White House. You can read their propaganda here: http://thehillaryproject.com/about/.

Thought I’d remind you that they’re still gloating because the “liberal media” is taking umbrage to their juvenile games, like Slap Hillary, Make Hillary Sweat (dance moves, ha), and Street Fight (Obama vs. Hillary). They rightly mention that there was a Slap Palin game, too.

What they don’t mention, of course, is that plenty of those on the left and right think that faux slapping for laughs is puerile and pathetic.

Almost as pathetic as every Hillary-hating word out of those who run that website.

HELEN THOMAS RIP

 

She lived through 10 different presidents, and gave them all a piece of her formidable mind at the press conferences where she was a fixture. White House journalist Helen Thomas recently died at age 92. She paved the way for equally feisty female journalists to fight their way into the boys-club mentality of politics and political coverage.

It was really shameful, however, that her amazing legacy was, in my opinion, severely tarnished by comments she made in 2010, urging Israel to “get the hell out” of Palestine. Plenty of people feel that way, but what galled was her then saying that “the Jewish people should go home to Poland, Germany … and America and everywhere else.”

Yeah, where they were really wanted and live such long and happy lives.

Not.

In her apology for this anti-Semitic rant, Thomas said that these views “do not reflect my heartfelt belief that peace will come to the Middle East only when all parties recognize the need for mutual respect and tolerance. May that day come soon.”

Too little, too late. I didn’t believe that half-hearted comment, and I don’t think many others did either.

But she sure was one hell of a journalist.

BONKERS BACHMANN

So here is Michele Bachmann, sued and slammed because she didn’t pay her campaign bills—putting a lot of the little people she claims to represent out of business—saving the First Family’s alleged expenses at CPAC.

Obviously, she couldn’t attack them on their public record, or their public service. Or just by doing a little bit of digging on the facts. No, she claimed they spent an astonishing $1.4 billion while in the White House. Her source? A “new book,” presumably the e-book by John Grooms entitled The 1.4 Billion Dollar Man: Costs of the Obama White House.

And his sources were? Hard to say, because all Secret Service costs and many other expenses are completely out of control of whomever is living in the White House, Republican or Democrat.

“They deserve to live in the White House, they deserve to fly on a private plane,” Bonkers Bachmann said, “but this is a lifestyle that is one of excess. We found out there are five chefs on Air Force One. There are two projectionists who operate the White House movie theater. They regularly sleep at the White House in case the First Family wants a really, really late show. I don’t mean to be petty here, but can’t they just press the play button?”

And how did she know that?

You’d think Bonkers Bachmann would know better than to throw around outrageous figures, after she lied about the White House spending $200 million a day during a trip to India and was exposed by PolitiFact.

I suggest that Bonkers Bachmann cull through Nancy Reagan’s receipts if she wants to know what excessive White House spending was like.

Just say no!

 

 

THRILL RIDE ‘EM, MONEYBAGS

Just when you thought it was safe to read the news again, Moneybags Mitt came out of his self-imposed wound-licking retreat from the public and sat down with Ann to speak to Fox News.

“We were on a roller coaster, exciting and thrilling, ups and downs,” declared Moneybags Mitt. “But the ride ends. And then you get off. And it’s not like, oh, can’t we be on a roller coaster the rest of our life? It’s like, no, the ride’s over.”

Moneybags Mitt forgot to mention that he tried to buy the entire amusement park, but no matter. We have missed our chance to have such an eloquent speaker in the White House. Dang!

“And you know, the other part of it was an amazing thing, and it was really quite a lot of energy and a lot of passion and a lot of – a lot of people around us and all of a sudden, it was nothing,” said Ann, with a smile as faux as her hubby’s (and the news on this network).

‘But the good news is we like each other,’ she added.

I’d like you too if you built me an elevator for my cars.